Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Surgpill: For post-occupation depression (POD)

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Are you having one of those days?

Who are the "shites?" And the "Sunimis?" I wish Dick was here...

Are you irritatedibalized? I really have to go to the potty...

Can't find your way?

The WMD's are in Rummy's tuches..heee...heee...

Well, that's what happens when you occupy countries in the Middle East for a very long time. You are probably suffering from post-occupation depression (POD). And when you need a Surge, you take Surgpill! Indeed, the anti-POD Surgpill stimulates the birth of new brain cells in rats jumping from ships aka Ken Adelmans, scientists have found. A similar effect in humans might explain how the drug has helped hundreds of of emperors world-wide to cope with POD. There are no sexual side-effects!

One in five members of the Bush Administration are likely to suffer from POD in the next two years, yet medical opinion is divided as to its cause. Some believe it is a genetic disease (stupidity) or a chemical imbalance (recovering alcholics), while others claim it is triggered by environmental factors, including insurgents, IEDs, crazy Shiites, murderous Sunnis, mismamnaged Pentagon, etc. Treatments for the disease include counselling by PM Tony Blair and in extreme cases electric shock therapy such as midterm Congressional elections. But it is Surgpill, which has been taken by the Soviet leaders after their Afghanistan POD and the Israeli leaders during the Lebanon POD, that has been hailed as revolutionising sufferers' lives. AND There are no sexual side-effects!

Surgpill one of a group of drugs known as selective anti-Baker/Hamilton re-uptake inhibitor (ABHRUHIN), which make the mood-enhancing brain chemical, or spins-mitter, tipping-point more available in the brain. AND there are no sexual side-effects!

However, you need to take 20,000 to 50,000 of the surgpills, and the drug takes weeks to have an effect, and scientists do not know the exact mechanism by which it helps to combat POD. But IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOUR SEX LIFE!

Nature magazine reports that researchers Langley, set out to examine the impact of Surgpill on the brain. They knew that depressed emperors have a smaller than usual dick-cheney, a structure involved learning and memory. They also knew that chronic stress can reduce the birth of brain cells, known as neocons-genisis, in the brains of rodents - and that stress is a contributing factor in POD. The Langley researchers found that activating a particular receptor for realism in rats' brains increased the birth of brain cells. So they decided to see if ABHRUHINs like Surgpill would have the same effect. They found that five rats injected with Surgpill for 3001 days had 69% more new brain cells than another injected with Rovism. The researchers believe that the rise and fall of brain cell birth may be an important factor in explaining why people become depressed and respond to ABHRUHINs. And there are no sexual side-effects!

Chief researcher Professor John McCain, said it could explain why Surgpill takes time to improve mood. "The time needed for these newly generated cells to mature and make appropriate connections provides an explanation for the 'therapeutic lag' in surgism therapy," he said. "People usually become depressed after a severe life event, like occuppying Vietnam or Iraq, they are unable to form a relationship, they lose a significant elections, suffer bereavement and loss (Rumsfeld), or have a bullying boss (Cheney)," McCain said, adding: "What we need to know is whether traumatic events make people depressed via brain cell death. If they do, we could then identify which events are most damaging and take measures to avoid them." ImageChef.com - Create custom images


Anonymous said...

You need to put a picture of Pod up to advertsise the POD.

Armchair said...

It looks like Dubya will need some follow up medication if he goes thru with Dr. Kagan's surge treatment.

Do you think Dr. Kagan will accept responsibility if his surge treatments fail? Happy Holidays.

Armchair said...

Armchair R&A
was able to obtain the paleocon
edition of the ISG



1. Return to Latin Mass to combat Mohammedeans in Mesopotamia.
Pope John XXlll was the Jimmmy Carter of Christendom. Carter only gave away the Panama Canal - while John robbed the West of it's ancient liturgy and language. Return to Latin - necessay to match the Arabic unity of the Mohammedeans. We need to spitual strength. Bush should prostrate himself before the Sepulchar for penance. If Henry can go to Canossa, this is the least he can do.

2. At least two new conservative SCOTUS Justices needed. The GWOT is above all a culture war. The founding fathers - both of the Mother Church and the Father-Land are crying for their lost children. We need to go home to Mom and Dad.

3. New Hollywood rating system. More violence and less sex. The latter can be sublimated into the former = if necessary to motivate soldiers for GWOT.

4. Iran has been making pleasant noises lately re Region. Ahmadinejad seems to favor tradional values - Khatami, always struck as a squish or even a Lattimore-type. He's gone for good. We may be able to work with them on the Holy Land (sepluchar access, Mt. of Olives access, etc)

5. Work toward ecumenism re Assyrians and Chaldeans Christians in Iraq. This is the number one priority. We can then use them as our group of “Iraqi Exiles” to lobby Congress on legislation important to us.

6. Utilize what little remains of the West's post-Lepanto momentum to put pressure on the Turks on the key issue of Constantople. This will undue some of the collateral damage from the Fourth Crusade and help to repair the beech within Christendom. With all due respects to Neville - the Holy See has been appeasing Ankara lately.

7. Extrordinary Rendition - Ignore complaints from liberal and global law types, but do change the rendition target. Why waste time renditioning conservatve minded clerics? No matter what religion - they tend to support traditional values. If you must do renditions in Italy - start with Prodi, a egregious leftist Brusselscrat. If you must rendition in Spain - by all means start with Zapataro, a man determined to destroy all we hold dear. Prodi and Zapatatoro - together a far bigger threat to the West and thus to our overall strategic posture vis-a-vis Mohamedeans in Iraq and elsewhere.

8. The Charlemagne Option: Classified/SCI/EYES

9. Reciprocal trade with Baghdad - Who says Oriental Rugs have to be made in the Orient? With textile mills idling in S. Carolina - putting pressure on Americans of *both* races - it's time to start thinking of doing to the Iraq insurgency rug and textil industry what the Japanese did to us.

10. Dust off the good Roosevelt (Kermit) old plan with dealing with a prior Iraq communist insurgency - and use it againt today's Iraq communists. They ain't dead yet - (not all of 'em, at least)- and this will establish out monotheistic bona fides with Iraqi fence-sittters.

11.. Prayer in schools - What does this have to do with Iraq? Where do you think Abraham was when he received his message. Make Ur an enterprise zone and coordinate a free trade zone between them and Ninevah to Tyre - so long as the products do not affect domestic manufactures.

12. Peace for Palestinians - with statehood and secure borders and multinational protection. Will this bring peace to Iraq? No - but it will surely annoy my domestic critics - the ones who got us into this mess. Annoying the neocons is 'inextricably linked' to successfull 'pursuit of happiness' and all that is good, true, and beautiful.

Brian said...

You little joke falls flat from lack of any core truth to the caricature.

Few have been right so consistently, so regularly, on the Iraq war, including its likely outcome and consequences for the US, than Pat Buchanan.

He MAY have made some mistkae in the past, but his record on the Iraq war is sterling.

The nation would have done very well to have listened to Pat from day numero uno.

Anonymous said...

You missed the joke Brian. Dig a little deeper. Pat would probably laugh - why is that?

Anonymous said...

"Few have been right so consistently, so regularly, on the Iraq war, including its likely outcome and consequences for the US, than Pat Buchanan."

Brian - No one said he wasn't correct. Perhaps - except for now - He has taken a "now that we are there" position goes against the spirit of his orginal objections.

Jim Baker - by most accounts - opposed invading Iraq and he gave a bunch of recommendations that seemed beside the point - because they seemed to coincided with his general worldview, so critics were ready.

What mistakes did he make in the past? He was never gaffe prone. You may be right - if we listened to Pat instead of the President - we'd be better off. Same with Jim Baker.

Global Paradigms said...

Thanks armchair. This is great stuff. Hope to see your blog. Brian: ??? As a contributing editor to American Conservative, I've written on foreign policy issues along the lines of Pat. Sorry you didn't like my humor.

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Armchair said...

Leon - glad to see you approve. Must be all those surgepills to get you thru the hoidays. LOL.

Considering the rather harsh attacks Pat gets regularly from his rivals on the left and among the neoconservatives - these jokes seemed pretty mild by comparison. So it came as a surprise to see people seem to take offense.

As noted earlier - Jim Baker opposed going into Iraq, by most accounts. He was clearly the lead voice on a commission whose recommendations (not sure if he was serious about all of them - but that's another post) coincidentally reflected his worldview - Pat Buchanan has a worlview too - both real and one that is caricatured often (and at great profit to Pat) so it seemed funny to imagine a caricature of that, in this context.

PS - Brian - you said we should have listened to Par from day "numero uno." Your multiculturalism is noted , but out of respect to Pat , let's stick to English - especially during the holidays season. j/k

Armchair said...

Btw - that's just a rough copy and needs many more recommendations, but on another note your recent column re Baker and Paulson was right on.

Brian said...

Sorry, I missed the joke!

I thought it was a neocon sycophant drive-by shooting.

Not sure where Pat is going on the possible Iraq pull out. He seems to be arguing the details of how, rather than the "should." I will give him the benefit of the doubt given his track record.

Reading a lot of Spanish history lately, so I threw in a Spanish phrase or two. I highly recommend any of Hugh Thomas’ books on Spanish history – Rivers of Gold, Conquest and the Spanish Civil War. They are all ~500 pages, but I read through them like summer mystery novels – that interesting and well written.

Armchair said...

Armchair Imitations:

Ok - Leon, since we know you are a big Tom Friedman fan - here's our quick imitation of Tom Friedman:


Iraqis are like Hefty Bags. Hefty bags, in theory, are easy to open and can hold either grass clippings or houshold trash. In theory, Iraqis are open to invasion and are capable of handling democracy or dictatorship.

But what happens when you take your basic Hefty bag and try to snap it open in hot weather? It gets snagged. Then you fill it with some trash - but an old clothes hanger unwinds and pierces the bag's skin. So what do you get? Answer: Saddam Hussein.

I hear you saying, “Tom Friedman, put away both of your Pulitzers. Don't you know that Saddam is behind bars?” So where does this leave us? You guessed it - with a rusty coat hanger sticking out out the side of Iraq and Iran is picking it's rust particles.

Just because rust particles aren't healthy doesn't mean Iran won't continue to pick at them. Lead paint particles are not healty either, but some in the inner-city used to pick at them and eat them too.

But some of our finest soldiers come from the inner-city so there's no reason why we can't ween Iran off the rust if we can get our brave soldiers to stop eating paint.

Am I suggesting we go back to big govenment? No - I'm suggesting we embrace huge govenment; not just tax and spend, but rust and paint too. Don't ignore rust particles - rust particles won't ignore you.
Bottom line? The ball is your court - run with it. Just don't hand it off to OJ (or Judy).

After all, We owe to future generations and we owe it to ourselves to ignore those who say Iranians are just addicted rust just as we ignore those who don't care that we're addicted to oil. You can't paint over that fact, can you? So let's get real: Iran gets it. Do you?

Armchair said...

That was a rough draft - not too far off from Friedman. Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...

Merry Isgmas!

Global Paradigms said...

Thanks guys! I wonder if there is a blog devoted to spoofs on Tom Friedman. The New York Observer once did a great Tom Friedman column which isn't availbale online. Thanks for the recommendation re the Hugh Thomas book. If you're interested in the topic, Anthony Beevor came out with a revised version of his boon on the Spanish civil war. I enjoyed the original which is very even-handed. Enjoy your holiday and happy new year. And check out Reason.online in which I -- among other great minds -- picked the person or thing of the year. Leon

Hoots said...

Dr. Hadar, I stole your post without permission. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.